The Big 2-0

I think i'm going to rent 'hot fuzz' tonight. I already saw it but it was such a funny film that it would be a shame not to see it again. I remeber seeing it when it came out but with who I forget, I'm pretty sure it was with Ms. Rivers or Josie Pad but I forget. I'm taking yoga this semester. I really wanted to take tennis but all the beginning classes were already filled up so I picked yoga. I don't think it will make me lose weight or anything but maybe it will calm my anxieties. Some of the positions are a little awkward, I hope I don't embarass myself. While trying to delay the inevitable I will also be learning about STD's and other fun sex related tidbits in my Human Sexuality class. Besides that I applied for an art class, a math class, and a color photogaphy class. All hard but should be fun.
I think thats it for now. Oh! I just remembered my 20th birthday is coming up. Wow, the big 2-0. I can't believe how old i'll be. Oh how the time flys in these summer days. Remeniscing about the good ol'days. Which days I can't quite remember. Just kidding. But I digress. Ha.Ha.

Wishlist
1. Harry Potter 2-4
2. Any other book that is good.
3. Vans slip-ons 10 1/2
4. Big sunglasses
5. A jeep chereokee
6. Soft box for photoshoots
7. Wide angles lens
8. A digital watch, one of those old looking nerdy ones
9. Guitar Picks
10. Gas Money
11. Sandals
12. New Battery for Macbook
13. The new iMac
14. Boxer-briefs
15. A nail clipper


And thats about it. Its just a wishlist. One could dream couldnt one?

No More Than A Genius Deserves

The quintessential dream that I strive for in my life is purely simple. I want peace. Just peace and thats it. Its the very least that I deserve after all i've been through. Its sounds pathetic and whiny but I've been through a lot in my short 20 years and all I want is peace. Its a tough time for me though, what with school, doctors, friends, life and romance (or lack there of). It racks up quite a bit of stress on my part.
Now that I'm through complaining. School is about to beging rather soon and my nerves are on the edge. Its all this worrying thats got me down. But I just somehow manage to stick through it and perservere. I guess my writing helps me release some steam but, I dont really know.
Im confused, really confused.
The times are tough, not just for me. I see it in strangers faces. This administration is really bringing society down. I wish I lived in another country sometimes, It may not be as comfortable but life is probably considerably more mellow. I need that.
Europe sounds good right about now, or a quiet town in South America. I'm just rambling, nevertheless its an attractive idea. I envy those who can just pick up and leave at the drop of a hat. Start a new life somewhere completely new and enjoy the challenge of making new friends. But I grow weary of my own restlessness. I can't stand to put up with my self sometimes. How do people deal with me. Ughh, it is sickening.
Well i'm off to bed because tomorrow I have a appointment with my surgeon in bloody Los Angeles. I'm going to have to wake up at the crack of the crack of dawn and sit through hell on wheels for an hour and a half. Meanwhile I wont have time to get my morning coffee unless I wake up earlier and drive to the coffee place. By the time I get there my ass will be numb to the point of paralysis and I will have to limp up the stairs. Then comes the waiting, oh the waiting! That will be another 30 minutes of pure monotony. When they finally screech my name I'll get up and wait some more and when my old as dirt decrepit doctor drags herself in to check me out, she'll say with out even laying one of her cottage cheese looking fingers on me,

-"ok, ya look fine, get outta here"-

And that is what will take up most of my day.
So my bed awaits me. Night night.

Broken Toy

in a silent room where not a thing stirs
i plunge in to my dreams
i can sense everthing that exists
the lure is too much to resist
i must know what lies afar
the truth about life and the infinite

the feel of your breath on my cheeks
the sound of your voice in my ear
the touch of your skin against my skin
the warmth of your heart beating next to mine
the look of your eyes penetrating my soul

its all too much to bear
all these sensations make me go hazy
its painful to think of what i cant have
i delve with in myself and ask
why do i deny myself these simple pleasures?
i can not answer my question
its all to much to bear

the search for my equal falters
i blissfully relinquish my beliefs
what use are they to one who refrains
from his own ethics

the light pours in from all directions
i distinguish the thought of euphoria
all clear to me now
it was there all along
i know now what to do

i find what i was looking for
it was with me the whole time"



so i dont have a clue what this means but its something i guess. its an attempt at poetry. i know it could be better but well, its day one. night.

Bam Ba Lam

I'm hooked on that song "black betty" by Ram Jam. It is such a catchy song. The beat is simple but the solos are outstanding. I was reading that it is supposedly an extremely offensive song, but I am really trying not to pay attetion to that aspect of the song cause it so damn good.
Today was relatively uneventful, as usual. Woke up late, ate some breakfast and mingled with the family. Not much to post about except that today was the first day where I didn't actually feel bored. I guess i'm happy doing the simple things. We rented movies ate at a restaurant and came home. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'm fine with that. Not to say that i'm okay with mediocrity but I know soon I will be in another place with my life. No, not heaven or that other place, but loaction wise I think I will be travelling more. Seeing more of the world I hope. Thats my plan anyway. I need to break from the confines of chino. And I will.
I'm working on wedding pictures right now for a wedding I was hired for. Its not hard work, but I like doing it. Its a gamble really, because you never know if the printer is going to get the exact same colors that you want. I guess i'll just have to take that chance.

Stay tuned for the next installment of my interwebular chronical.

So this is a new thing I just did. Nothing too spectacular just a portrait of myself in techno colours (yes i wrote it like that).

"television rules the nation"

High Society

Its become clear to me how I live my life. I really do love it. Of course if I could change some things I would, but nevertheless I love doing the things I do. I love to read a book, I love to listen to my tunes. I like to write occasionally and I just love to hang out with my friends and play monopoly whilst shouting obscenities at eachother. Its the simple things that please me. They really do.
Sometimes I dream for a life that is out of reach. I dream of living in mansions and driving ostentatious cars. Mingling with the rich and mighty. But then I fall flat onto reality and realize that that is not my life, and I am glad for it. I would like one day, to be succesfull at what I do, make a good living and be happy. But I what I don't want is to change the way I think. I love the way I think right now. I love the things that come to me. I'm in a period in my life where I am experiencing new things, trying to break out of my shell. I feel happy with my mind.
I know with time that I will learn many things, feel much more pain, and more joy(i hope). And these experiences will probably change the way I believe but I would like to keep most of my original beliefs in essence. Things happen to you, people will happen to you and all these things will affect me. But I guess i'm just afraid of whats to come. Im excited but nervous for the future.
I hope to keep many of my friendships, meet many more people and love many more people. But I just don't know. I cant fathom the day when I will meet someone who will be able to stand me. But I know that day is somewhere.
I ponder and I ponder and I ponder. But I never know.

"The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.”
from proverbs

Day Three...

It came to my attention that I never posted my reaction about finishing Harry Potter. But before that I'm going to write about my recovery.

So its day three and I'm suffering in silence. Its tough because I cant really talk and breath so in other words, its hell. I refuse to go outside and give people a glimpse of me. Just two more days and...freedom!

So now on to more pressing matters. Harry Potter. It was such a sad experience reading the final installment of my favorite series. I tried not to rush through the book, trying to savour all the words and not miss a single plot point. Even though I tried not to rush I still finished it in about 2 days and a half. It was so fast. I had so many questions that were left unanswered so many things that I had to reread. But I guess we'll never get that and I settled on the fact that I read a great series and thats it.
So now what to do, after Hary Potter? Well there are two more movies in the works to look forward to, a possible encyclopida according to J.K Rowling, and a theme park. I wish they werent making a theme park about the books. I can appreciate all of the younger fans wanting to go see a Harry LIVE! show, but for me, it just seems corny and tacky. But I guess in the end its all about money. If I ever go to florida i'll probably end up buying a ticket but I still think its a bad idea.
What the Harry Potter series did for me was instill a love for reading that I never had before. I used to never like to read, anything really, but when I was 13 i found these books and actually read them out of order (3,2,1) but fell in love with them immediately. I could not stop reading and re-reading them. It was such a great experience learning to love to read. Its cheesy but, i'm glad I love to read. I just wish my sister had the same passion but I guess not everyone likes to read.

In the end I think these books are such a catalyst for others to begin reading other works and that, I think is the best part about them. Like JK Rowling said, "all was well".

The Last Time

These past two days have been overwhelming to say the least. I've been up, down and all over the place. Poked, prodded, sliced and opened up. Its all for the greater good though. On friday I had my last surgery performed on me. The procedures were a pharngoplastsy, which is basically a surgery to help me speak better and let less air escape through my nose when I speak. I also had a nasal reconstruction which left me with a huge cast on my face. I'm determined to stay in for the next three days untill I can get it off. Its very opressing. This mask covers my nose and a bit of my forehead for support. Its very frustrating trying to sleep when you can't breathe through your nose. I just try not to choke at night from my own saliva. It all sounds very gross and it really does suck. But i'm dealing with it because I know it is the last time i'm going to have to deal with doctors cutting me open every two years. At least voluntarily anyways. I would post a picture but i'm temporairily traumatized. So when I get over my shame I think i'll post a picture of when I was recovering and my face was twice its size.
So on wednesday I'll have to go and get my nose cast off and that will be one of the best days of my life, I hope so anyway. I'll finally be able to breathe and speak normally. You don't know how may people take that for granted but its the little things that make life great, like being able to just breathe right. I've had to learn the hard way. I've had to fix my problems surgically but now that the end is nearing i'm so excitied because I can finally put off all of my old fears and anxieties and begin to live again.
So just one more month and everything should be back to normal. All should be well.


things are looking up