Four Months to Live

In four months I will die. The results are in, and I am scheduled to go. Hopefully, it should be enough time to actually begin living my life. It is tragic that it had to come to this to jump-start my life, nevertheless, I plan to make the most of it by finally doing everything I could not do before. When my doctor informed me of my imminent demise, it shocked me to the core. It was an unexpected hitch in my plans for the future. All of a sudden, the most insignificant details became important. I would not get to hear the roaring rush of the ocean ever again, the pitter-patter of raindrops on my head, or the smell of my moms delicious cooking. All of those things suddenly became very important to me. I will miss them all, yet, I am glad that I had the chance to know such things. I will certainly not miss the sound of my alarm clock waking me up every morning. The incessant never ending beeps reminding me to get up. Also, I will not miss the living hell of morning traffic. I have never been much of a morning person, so being able to sleep in will bring me much happiness. Giving up certain obligations will allow the indulgence of life’s pleasures, which I denied myself when it all seemed so infinite. Enough of my existence has been wasted with time consuming responsibilities, prohibiting me from enjoying myself to the fullest. Instead of going out with friends, I would stay in to study. It was this type of behavior that defined who I was in my past life. Small things would annoy me, like drivers who cut me off in traffic, and other minor offenses. I could not see past my own insecurities, and let things go. As a result, I became a person who held grudges. This death sentence, by no means a good thing, has put my life in perspective. It will permit me to take advantage of all that life has to offer. Giving in no longer carries the same guilty associations that it once did. I can have my third In-n-Out Burger, and feel absolutely fine about it. Moderation, a term I used to adhere to, will no longer apply to me. In its place, responsible recklessness, my new motto for the rest of my days. Four months to realize everything that I have ever dreamed of may seem impossible, however, with courage and persistence I will not let anything stand in my way.

The time I spent with foolish activities will no longer prevent me from living a productive life. I used to be a very different person. For the longest time I constantly put things off for later. Instead of applying to UC San Francisco, I procrastinated and never turned in my application, fearing I might not get in anyway. The application stayed on my desk, taunting me, serving as my coaster until I threw it out. When my life seemed endless, sitting around reading the paper, while drinking a cup of coffee, and enjoying the breeze was a favorite pastime of mine. Thinking about my future in depth would scare me because it meant that I actually had to do something with my meager existence. At first I wanted to be a firefighter, then a lawyer, finally, during a moment of supposed clarity I declared I would become a scientist. My life was up for grabs and whatever career caught my attention would be the one where I fell. During my stint as a firefighter, I researched everything to do with fighting fires. It was heroic work, however, I did not take into account the fact that I was an overweight teenager with a disdain for any type of hard physical labor. I despised running, lifting and all sorts of sports related activities. Therefore, a career in saving lives was obviously out of the question. After my ‘firefighting phase’, that is what my mother called it, was extinguished, I turned to more practical careers. I would never suspect that photography would spark a passion in me that I had never experienced. Photography arose in me a fervent need to create art through a lens. And that is where I am today, with only four months of breath left in me. I want to produce as much art as I can. Photography has always been a productive way to express my emotions. I never felt as though I was wasting my time, or someone else’s for that matter. Whenever I had a deadline, I would make sure not to miss it, because it meant so much to me that people wanted to see my work. I plan to make the most of these four months that I have been given. No more procrastination, no more missing deadlines, and finishing as much work as I can before I go. A shift occurred in me that I am thankful for. No longer am I the idle shell of a human that I once was. I breathe to live, not the other way around.

Dealing with a four month window is tough. I never thought I would only live to be 21 years old. Nevertheless, this is my time and I accept it with as much grace as I can muster. On the other hand, I am angry. A side of me wished I had longer. I wish I had time to do everything I wanted in life. I wish I could have met the love of my life, get married and have children. Still, it has been a good ride, and now I plan to go out in style. Certain superficial obligations will have to be dropped, while others will be of higher importance. For one, work is first on my list of things to drop. I no longer need to sacrifice my precious time serving people burgers all day. Serving people is no easy task. It is hard work putting on a fake smile and cater to a guests every whim. It was a necessity in my old life, however, with my remaining time, my new responsibilities will consist of eating everything and anything that my heart desires. Family has always been important to me, and still is. But, during my life when I thought I needed a career, I often put them aside for work. I thought all my hard work would pay off one day. Sadly, my life has been cut short. Now, I will focus on spending time with all of my family and make sure that they understand that life goes on, even without me. What I perceived to be important in my past life proved to be unessential for a productive life. Yet, complaining and regretting lost time will do me no good. The way I see it, a new shorter life has bee granted to me. It is up to me to make the most of it.

Confidence has never been a strong trait of mine. My biggest obstacle has always been myself. Yet, now that I only have four months, my confidence level has shot through the roof. It is like I have no inhibitions, I will do anything I please, within reason of course. My last month on earth will be a free for all, non-stop fun filled ride till the end. I will make up for all the things I never did when I had the confidence to do them. All of a sudden fear of death is non-existent because I know the exact date of my demise. It is always lurking in the shadows of my mind, reminding me that I have an expiration date. Snowboarding has always terrified me, yet now that I have no fears, it is next on my list to do. I want to live my life to the fullest, and fill every moment with an experience. In the end, that is all that life is made up of, experiences and the little moments shared with others. These simple diversions will keep me occupied and content for the next four months.

Living with a deadline is not too terrible. Whether it is the confidence I gained, the manner in which I spent my time, or the responsibilities I have left, I am sufficiently pleased with the way I will be leaving this earth. Thankfully, my legacy will be that I was a generous and kind human being. I have lived with a passion for art and hopefully people will remember me for that. Everyday now, I wake up with such an eagerness to make the most of my day. I still enjoy my cup of coffee, the aroma of the beans permeating the room, reminding me that I am not yet gone. The crisp wind in the mornings still has the power to invigorate my soul. These seemingly small things me give me the most joy. One of the last things that I will do is give everyone a photograph that I took, in this manner they will remember and keep me alive in their minds. I learned that it is not what I did during my life that defines me, but how I did them, and how I treated others. Now, a calm washes over me when I think back on my life. I know I did the best I could.